Best review ever
I was performing at an Asian wedding in Edinburgh which is a bit strange as lots of the audience couldn’t speak English. Luckily I’m from Glasgow where most of us don’t speak English either so I’m used to adapting my patter.
Many years ago, when I was learning my trade, I performed in a lot of night clubs, busy bars and at events also featuring music. I quickly learned that visual magic tricks worked far better than ones that needed verbal accompaniment. Basically, when the rope snaps in half, I can say something but as long as the audience see the rope in 2 pieces they understand the magic has just happened.
Near the end of the show I was having a chat with the Event Organiser, he wasn’t wearing a badge or anything and he just looked like a guest. He asked me how the show was going but before I had time to answer we were interrupted by the videographer.
He was very enthusiastic and proceeded to critique of my performance. You literally can’t pay for advertising like this.
“I’ve been Videoing weddings for 7 years and I must have seen 50 of you guys [magicians] and without a shadow of a doubt you’re the best. None of the others let me film them in case something goes wrong. But you, with that rope, and those cards, I’ve never seen anything like it but you’re also dead funny – can I have your card”
When he left I said to the organizer, “That’s how it went”
Stand Gig Continued – funny story
Do you drink when performing?
No, never…well sometimes. On rare occasions such as seeing one of my friends for the first time in 14 months I’ll have a Shandy – as long as it’s finished 30 minutes before I walk on stage and sometimes after a gig I carry a shandy to be seen as more approachable. But I have a confession, I’m addicted to tea. I actually carry tea bags with me and have been known to take a flask of tea with me to gigs. At the time of writing this I’m drinking a cup of Pukka’s Nettle tea – it’s basically the bomb, I’d taken 6 of these flavoured tea bags with me but unfortunately the kettle had been stolen.
After my performance, which is on the previous blog, I had a celebratory Shandy as well although I secretly wanted the nettle tea.
Romance or OCD
Afterwards I went with Zhara to the very place we had went on our first date and stood in the location where we had our first drink – awww, I’m still trying to figure out if I’m romantic or suffering from OCD. However, it was time to go and as Zhara was heading off, I didn’t want to rush to the bathroom so thought I’d just hold it in till I got home
OCD 0 Romance 1
Driving home – the adventure begins
I can safely say I’ve never been drunk driving apart from when I actually passed my test. I got the dates mixed up and was at a party next thing I knew I was woken up and I was in the car before I knew it heading for my driving test. However, that’s a story for another day. This day I’ve consumed 2 units of alcohol over 5 hours – I’m safe to drive. However as I hardly ever drink these day’s I’m still a little nervous, especially as I passed by the cops. The cops were writing down the details of some prostitutes. I thought it might make a funny facebook update to say they were trying to get there phone numbers. However, before I could think of the punch line I spotted a fight. One guy was on top of the other guy slapping him so I thought I’d better call the cops then intervene. Just then I remembered the cops were just around the corner so I thought it would be more efficient to go back and get them. The cops had just left the prostitutes; I flashed my lights, told them of the fight and assumed my karma points were sky high.
The cops drove off in the same direction as me but when they go there the 2 gentlemen had vanished (get it – magic, vanished – sigh)
Was the Adventure over or was it just about to begin
So the next thing I know I’m being flashed, I thought they were going to ask me for more details but it turns out they weren’t interested in the assault, they were more interested in my 2 shandies. They didn’t ask about the nettle tea so I decided not to mention it as the time didn’t seem right.
So at this point I’m out the car and they have to order a breathalyser, I asked if I could go to the toilet but they said no. I said, I would keep the sample but they said no. When talking to the police the main objective is to look calm. However, I’m seriously thinking, I’m going to create a puddle down one of my legs and get a fine. So I’m now getting nervous and decide to tell the cops my joke about them taking down the girls numbers…they didn’t find it funny.
The cop said my eyes looked glazed and could I explain that? He was obviously hinting at drink and drugs but I thought – there’s only certain situations where it’s ok to name drop so I launch into my Kevin Bridges story. By this point I may have been calling him Kev by next week we’ll be moving in with each other.
So the breathaliser appears and he reads me my rights – (one of the rights you don’t have is the right to go to the toilet.)
He say’s “blow into this tube, it doesn’t have to be a hard blow just a long blow”
My comedy mind takes over with a bunch of things to say but my bladder kicks in, tells my brain to shut up and my lips to blow…and blow they did!
Cop looks at me smiles and say’s, “Positive”
I say confused, “positive”
He say’s, “positive”
At this point I know the machine is broke but the idea of soiling myself in the back of a cop car is not the most appealing.
So it was time for a to employ some Derren Brown Jedi Mind trickery. So I said in a louder voice, Positive?
He looks back at the thing and say’s, “NO SORRY, I mean negative”
“So I’m free to go then?” I said.
He replied yes and started to say something about how it was only his job and such like, but I said, the words of Forrest Gump, “I have to go pee” and I ran to the toilet.
A twist in the tail?
On arrival I realised I had not only left my car illegally parked but the windows were down. There were 2 junkies looking in my car and not the Fun junkes from earlier. At that time, I had my Iphone, camcorder, microphones & magic gear in the car – so we’re talking an easy £2k. Plus I have £200 in my pocket sitting safely next to my tea bags.
So I run up and tell them it’s my car at which point they inform me I’m not allowed to park there. This really isn’t my day! So I explain the situation with the cops and when I mention the fight one say’s,
“Yeah, that was us”
Then one of them asks me
If I can give him £2.05 for a can of beer.
And all I can think of is the Kevin Bridges Bus Stop Joke.
And as I reached into my pocket I found £4.20 so I handed it over with a smile when he asks me the question you don’t want to hear
Junkie: “Can I ask another favour?”
Me: “fire away chief”
Junkie: “Will you vote for SNP at the next election?”
Me: “I’ll try my hardest” (I still don’t know what this means”
He then continued to tell me how Scotland needed to be more of a socialist society but still support the queen whilst promoting our independence.
At the end of it he asked if I could tell if he was homeless, and I said
“I can tell you’re homeless but more importantly I can tell you’re a gentleman”
We shook hands and he said his name was John and I said my name’s Chris and that was the end of the conversation.
In conclusion
The knock on effect of positive action in my life and a willingness to help people. I got to perform at the Stand, meet Kevin Bridges,” because I alerted the police, I got to meet the John the Junkie and because I spoke to him he’s no longer John the Junkie but John the Gent.
Loving life right now – still not loving the police
Magician At The Stand Glasgow
I Performed as the comedy magician at The Glasgow Stand for the Fun Junkies night, got to hang out with Kevin Bridges, I farted all the acts had to leave the changing room and on the way home something really funny happened with the police and real Fun Junkies.
The Stand Comedy Club Glasgow
When you say you’re a magician people ask, “Are you in the Magic Circle” When you say you’re a comedian people ask, “Have you gigged at The Stand”. It’s widely regarded as the best comedy Club in the UK. As all the TV comedians have played there Ron Burgundy would say, “It’s kind of a big deal”
The last ever Fun Junkies – The Best of
Fun Junkies is a comedy variety night and has an excellent reputation – It’s organised by a Stand regular: Chris Forbes. The bill was hosted by Des Clarke,TV/radio Comedian, who was excellent as always
Stu and Garry – Top Improv group in Scotland – think Who’s Line Is It Anyway but in Glasgow.
James Kirk So You Think You’re Funny Winner 2010 (national contest Peter Kay won) James has also appeared on TV in Gary Tank Commander
Jay the guitar funny man and a mime who’s name I can’t remember, I was going to ask him but as he’s a mime I was worried he might not tell me.
Kevin Bridges
As I entered The Stand I saw Kevin Bridges, one of the most famous comedians in the UK and one of my favourites. I didn’t know what to do/say so I just gave a wee comedy bow and then to my surprise Kevin Bridges Said, “Hi Woody”
Hi Woody?? Now I don’t get star struck but I nearly had to sit down so I could fall off my chair.
He wasn’t on the bill that night but pops into The Stand from time to time to hang out with the acts. So I actually got to hang out with Kevin Bridges and Des Clarke backstage – if It wasn’t a Wednesday night I’d have thought I’d have made it big time. So what can I say, Kevin’s a funny fu**er off stage as well and as a total open book He was telling embarrassing stories just like the rest of us perhaps even more so. I always thought he’d be a normal Glasgow guy and happy to say I wasn’t disappointed. I would have asked for a photo but as he was chilling out I thought it wasn’t the done thing.
Do I still get nervous performing magic?
The answer is very rarely. However, being in a room with the best in the business that’ve all been on TV not to mention performing in front of a girl I used to have a thing for (she knocked me back) gave me a lovely adrenaline rush some people would call nerves. I’ve missed that feeling but I haven’t missed the smell. Yes in a dressing room the size of a single bedroom I let out a quarter fart but it was enough to empty the room. Thankfully it was time for me to go on stage. And after the 2147th check that all my props were in the correct place it was time to hit the stage.
So I done the show and all went well. I’ll never be at my best at The Stand as you can’t see the audience because of the bright lights. So it’s difficult to gauge what’s working but I still done pretty well and I got lots of positive feedback after the show including:
“I really enjoyed your act, funny and great magic” Kevin Bridges
“Great reaction from the audience” Des Clarke
All the acts done excellent on the night and I can it was an honour to be asked to perform on the same bill as these guys. Shame it’s over but there’s still plenty of amazing nights to be had at The Stand and who know’s maybe I’ll even headline in there as there comedy magician.
Comedy Gig | Chamber 69 Glasgow June 30th
I’m performing stand-up comedy to help raise money for Charity on Thursday 30th June.
It’s a mixture of comedy with acoustic music so it should be a nice mix
Tickets £4
It’s a fantastic line up – how I got on it, I’ll never know.
- Janey Godley (Headliner)
- Billy Kirkwood (MC)
- Chris Dinwoodie – That’s me
- Allan Park
- Gareth Waugh
- Chloe Philip
- Darren Connell
- Emma Forman
- Mark Copeland
Tickets available on the door – would be good if you could make it
Wedding Malarky: Wedding magician in Giffnock at Redhurst Hotel
Yes it’s true my friend Natalie Wilson just got married to Graham Malarky and magically became Natalie Malarky. I had the pleasure of entertaining at their wedding and what a wedding it was!
Performing magic for Friends
I always hate performing for people I know. When I perform I am Woody the Magician, I’m in charge, I can adjust my performing character to best fit the audience. However, when people know me as ‘Chris who used to daft wee card tricks when he was 14’ – and they see me and say,
“oh, are you still doing this”
I always hope they’ll say the same to my brother, when he was 5 he has a plastic stethoscope and now he’s a Doctor. I think it would be funny,
Guest: “oh, are you still doing this”
Kieran “Yes sir, now please remove your trousers”
Special Friendships
When I was 14 I started taking magic far more serious and one of my best friends was Natalie Wilson, she’s a tall blonde hairdresser and one of the best people I know. She always makes me laugh and put’s a smile on my face. We had agreed if by the age of 40 if neither of us were seeing anyone we would get married. However, she broke the deal by getting engaged about 18 months ago and about 3 hours later I was booked to perform at the wedding.
Wedding Car Brakes Fail
The first wedding malarkey was that the bride was 45 minutes late. it wasn’t fashionably late or because of a dodgy mascara, It was because on route the wedding venue – the wedding car’s brakes failed. At one point the driver approached a roundabout and had to go right over the top of it. What we couldn’t understand was – If the car couldn’t slow down, why didn’t this make her arrive early?
Wedding surprise: Horse
Once the wedding was complete, Natalie looked so happy looking into the love of her life’s eyes…no not her husband, her horse. As a surprise, they brought Natalie’s horse down for the day and dare I say they had Pimped Her Horse out a bit as it was looking very clean. So the husband was abandoned and the horse was given lots of love and kisses.
How can you tell if a wedding will be eventful?
There’s one rule I go by. The quicker you see a hipflask at a wedding, the more eventful the wedding will be. I have never seen so many hip flasks in my life. My date is from England and asked me if it was a Scottish thing. I didn’t have the courage to tell her it was because we were too tight to pay Hotel Prices for spirits so I just lied and said it was for good luck. When we got to The Redhurst Hotel in Giffnock, I abandoned my date and performed an hour of mix and mingle magic while Natalie was getting her wedding photographs done. I was branded a great magician but a terrible date – as I had abandoned my girl. I could see their point but she knew the script and seemed happy enough.
Table Choice – it’s all about the view.
I was at the young table with all the single attractive ladies so my normal chat of; tennis, football and boxing wasn’t going to make me the ideal table guest. What I had forgotten was that about 7 years ago I met all the girls at Natalie’s 21st birthday party, so it was good to reminisce.
Warning: I probably shouldn’t write this next paragraph (and I have deleted it several times) but I think it’s funny and so did the bride. So if you’re offended by it…you’re probably easily offended.
I thanked Natalie for sitting me at the best table in the room and she said,
“What makes it the best table in the room”
I replied
“I’m loving the view”
What she didn’t realise was my table was in the middle of the the dance-floor and directly above me was all mirrored. So from where I was, I could the tops of all the men’s heads and down a few dresses. Natalie loved this and pointed out a few people I should look at – That’s just the type of gal she is. (just for the record –I didn’t look up nearly as much as all the girls at my table who were ‘boob spotting’)
The Last Dance
I have a confession: I can’t sing and despite taking Salsa lessons for 10 months I hate dancing. However, there seems to be a natural assumption that because I’m confident and a good laugh that I’d love to dance the night away – nothing could be further from the truth. However, my escapology skills haven’t allowed me to get out of dancing at weddings and there comes a time at every wedding where I march onto the dancefloor, step from side to side and try to copy someone in my peripheral vision.
As I was venturing onto the dancefloor near the end of the night I could see someone in more pain than me. It was the groom. During what can only be describe as a spectacular air guitar solo, he managed to dislocate his knee. A chair was brought onto the floor and an icepack was ordered from the bar – he was in agony – I was relieved I wouldn’t have to dance.
Every Cloud has a Silver lining
The groom dislocated his knee and was in agony, the bride and groom missed the end of their wedding, how could anything good come out of this?
Well, it was only a moment, but I’d describe it as a magical moment.
Graham struggled off the dance-floor and Natalie phoned the ambulance / taxi. Why did they do this? Well, Although it was their Wedding Graham went through a lot of pain to get off the dance-floor and left instructions for the families to take the place in the center circle for the last dance. At this point, everyone became invisible and Natalie was only focused on one person – her new husband. They left without saying goodbye, missed there last dance but I could see she couldn’t care about that at all. She wanted to be there for him “For better, for worse in sickness and in health” And they left together very much in love.
Some women are too hot
On Friday night, I had the pleasure of performing for one of the best organised events I’ve ever attended. Unfortunately, the company shall remain nameless because of attempted client theft from my competitors (tut tut – you know who you are!)
The night was the first fund raising night by this certain group and they organised it perfectly. 18 tables with more guests to come at the evening reception. I met my host and thought she was one of the models used for the night. Then the first group of girls walked in and I thought, “Ok these must be the models”, as the groups of countless women came in I had to check my pulse at certain points to see if I had visited the place in the sky. For a man who has worked in Scotland’s top Strip club, fashion nights that have been broadcast throughout the world, worked with countless models including former Miss Scotland Neive Jennings and as a regular performer at the world’s largest burlesque club, the following sentence is quite a bold statement. I have never been in a room with so many beautiful women.
The only thing to come close to the beauty of the women was the venue itself. It had a fantastic yet unusual centrepiece hanging from the ceiling and very modern yet cosy lighting scheme.
What the event did really well was have lots young professionals 22 – 35 and rather than have just the host of the charity talking they had someone there who had benefited from the charity as well. I don’t know why more charities don’t do this. They kept it focused on the positive and didn’t let the speeches go on for too long. This meant that for one of the few times in my performing career every table I visited was in a really happy positive mood – which made my job really easy
After the meal they had a Ceilidh and the dancefloor was fully populated within seconds.
After the event I met up with the host and told her how much I had enjoyed the event and how I thought it was one of the best events I had ever performed at. She thought I must say this to all my clients…here’s hoping she reads my blog.
Magician at Braehead shopping Center
I had the pleasure of entertaining at Braehead shopping centre on Saturday night to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the opening. They had a BBQ, A karaoke tent, and a £1 a drink offer on. There were about 500 in attendance and I can safely say I’ve never worked in a place with so many young attractive girls – and that comes from a guy who used to work in a strip club. It never occurred to me that so many sales staff were females between the ages of 18 – 24. Rumour has it that one of them wasn’t blonde but I didn’t see her.
The highlight of my night was probably a guy from my first group. Approaching the first group of people is a skill that’s important to magicians as it can get you into a really good frame of mind. Amongst my first crowd was a guy called Jay who was really cool. He said his friend was into card tricks but it was a pleasure seeing me doing it so effortlessly.
Another group I had was a real struggle at first. One of the gentlemen at the group said there was no point in showing him any tricks because he used to work with someone who was really good with cards. The rest of the group still seemed interested and I proceeded to show them my signature effect. They were amazed and my misdirection was pretty good and I even managed to fool the guy who knew how it was all done.
Overall a very fun night and a big thanks to Lauren for hiring me
Performing magic for Billy McNeil
Thursday night brought my magical abilities to Hamilton for the opening of a solicitors. Normally, I would go into telling you about wee bits and bobs that happened (including my driving down a 1 way street antics) on the night; but, this blog contains something far more interesting! Midway through a card trick, I looked up and saw Celtic legend Billy McNeil. Now, if ever perfect misdirection existed it was performing magic to a bunch of Celtic fans when the Lisbon Lyon Legend walks in to room. “Wow there’s Billy McNeill” I said, and the whole audience looked over to him. I could have walked a rainbow coloured elephant onstage to the music of a brass band and no one would have noticed.
Billy was in a small room and was being harassed by people for photographs and autographs. I started performing for 2 people next to him only to be asked if I knew who I was performing for. I didn’t recognise the face and was informed that it was Scotty McClure from the radio. Around 1994 Scotty McClure was a total radio phenomenon. His quick wit and outrageous comments made him the thing on everyone’s lips. He will probably be the last person to make radio more popular than TV to a young audience. So Scotty was great fun and it was a pleasure performing for him.
Next up was Billy McNeill. So how did I manage to get to perform for him when no one was around? Simple…Neive Jennings (Former Miss Scotland and Miss Uk) walked into the building. Billy was brilliant and loved the magic. He kept walking away and coming back in disbelief. I briefly thought he was going to have a heart attack and I panicked a little but the show must go on. I asked him to name a card and was certain he would go for number 5 (his shirt) but he said he was looking for Jimmy’s number (Jimmy Johnstone) and picket the 7 of hearts. What a gentleman!
So next off was Scotland’s own Neive Jennings. Neive and I both work in events so we bump into each other quite often – I like to think she’s stalking me but unfortunately she’s not. My random Neive Jennings story is that I performed in her flat when she was in the audition process for Miss Scotland. Neive has always been an admirer of close-up magic and she loves my rope routine so I showed it to her again and it’s always nice to see her jaw drop and reveal those big pearly whites.
Random story of the night: Sometimes when performing for girls they don’t understand that I am paid to be there and I am not just flirting with them. So it’s important to address the issue in a humorous manner. So I’d dealt with this and about 5 minutes into the act just before I got to a punch line one of the girls blurts out, “she’s only 14” Now bearing in mind the girl looked about 14 and I was talking about the 10 of diamonds at the time I asked her why she felt the need to tell me the other girls age, She replied, “I’m 21”. This totally confused me beyond all belief. It was as if we were in different time zones.
Overall; A fantastic night, lovely office, lovely people and a night I will never forget.
Happy Easter
Howdy Folks, Just wishing you a Happy Easter,
Over the next few days I’m going to put a lot of my Blogs from my old site onto here so don’t get confused if you see something on here that confuses you.
Also, Expect some photos, a contact form, a sign-up and even news of my very own magic/variety night in Glasgow.
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