All weddings are missing…
Well I was the Wedding Magician in Newton Stewart on Saturday and after a 2.5 hour drive most of which was around winding country roads that made me think the obesity epidemic is actually caused by the introduction of power stearing. You heard it here first folks the weighted steering wheel workout will be making a come back at some point in the next 2000 years or so.
Anyhow, I finally arrived and it was my first wedding on a farm! Yip, cows and everything just wandering around – it was mad. These people love animals so much they even had a dog at it. Yes, in the Marquee was a wee dog walking up and down the aisle of the temporary church. I think all weddings should have a dog as it gives people something to look at and just think if this happened.
“Does anyone here present know of any reason why these two people shouldn’t be married?”
Would that not be the highlight of your life?
Dynamo how you haunt me
Every 5 years we are presented with a new TV Magician and right now Dynamo is inspiring everyone under the age of 14 to pick up a deck of cards and with every shuffle of the cards they dream of becoming the next big thing. It’s almost becoming rare to attend a wedding that I’m not introduced to someone who immediately asks if you can walk through walls. Today was a little different…mainly because the closest wall had a gate on it and the others are made out of tarpaulin (or whatever marquees are made out of). So I was presented with the customary 12 year old child Findlay who was going to show me a trick. These things are always nerve wracking for me as there are literally a million tricks out there and I don’t know all of them. It’s always that moment of, “I’m the professional magician and I don’t want to look stupid in front of a 12 year old” Luckily for me…he got the trick wrong and I managed to keep my job for the day.
It’s nice to be nice
As the speeches started it was time for me to head back to Glasgow to teach magic followed by a gig in a comedy club. However, before I left I noticed the cards young Findley was using and I thought it would be a nice gesture to leave a deck of unopened professional Bicycle cards for him in the house. As I thought about it, I thought they’ll just assume I’ve left them by accident so I thought I’d better leave a note. Trouble was I couldn’t find a piece of paper and I started to become really guilty at the thought I was wondering around someone’s house and if I was caught the excuse of “I was looking for a bit of paper ” wasn’t going to work. Even as I mentally practiced it I didn’t believe myself. (is it bad that a professional liar was essentially feeling guilty about telling the truth?) Thankfully there was 1 piece of paper in the printer so I stole that, wrote a wee encouragement note and a p.s. of I’m sorry I stole the paper. I got a lovey wee thank you from the client today to say.
Just a quick email to thank you for Saturday. Everyone loved it and you did a great job in terrible weather conditions. Thanks also for the cards you left for Findlay . He has not laid them down since !!
Just received a wee thank you email in the cyper post to say thanks for entertaining at their wedding
I must be doing something right
I was performing at an Asian wedding in Edinburgh which is a bit strange as lots of the audience couldn’t speak English. Luckily I’m from Glasgow where most of us don’t speak English either so I’m used to adapting my patter.
Many years ago, when I was learning my trade, I performed in a lot of night clubs, busy bars and at events also featuring music. I quickly learned that visual magic tricks worked far better than ones that needed verbal accompaniment. Basically, when the rope snaps in half, I can say something but as long as the audience see the rope in 2 pieces they understand the magic has just happened.
Near the end of the show I was having a chat with the Event Organiser, he wasn’t wearing a badge or anything and he just looked like a guest. He asked me how the show was going but before I had time to answer we were interrupted by the videographer.
He was very enthusiastic and proceeded to critique of my performance. You literally can’t pay for advertising like this.
“I’ve been Videoing weddings for 7 years and I must have seen 50 of you guys [magicians] and without a shadow of a doubt you’re the best. None of the others let me film them in case something goes wrong. But you, with that rope, and those cards, I’ve never seen anything like it but you’re also dead funny – can I have your card”
When he left I said to the organizer, “That’s how it went”
Yes it’s true my friend Natalie Wilson just got married to Graham Malarky and magically became Natalie Malarky. I had the pleasure of entertaining at their wedding and what a wedding it was!
Performing magic for Friends
I always hate performing for people I know. When I perform I am Woody the Magician, I’m in charge, I can adjust my performing character to best fit the audience. However, when people know me as ‘Chris who used to daft wee card tricks when he was 14’ – and they see me and say,
“oh, are you still doing this”
I always hope they’ll say the same to my brother, when he was 5 he has a plastic stethoscope and now he’s a Doctor. I think it would be funny,
Guest: “oh, are you still doing this”
Kieran “Yes sir, now please remove your trousers”
When I was 14 I started taking magic far more serious and one of my best friends was Natalie Wilson, she’s a tall blonde hairdresser and one of the best people I know. She always makes me laugh and put’s a smile on my face. We had agreed if by the age of 40 if neither of us were seeing anyone we would get married. However, she broke the deal by getting engaged about 18 months ago and about 3 hours later I was booked to perform at the wedding.
Wedding Car Brakes Fail
The first wedding malarkey was that the bride was 45 minutes late. it wasn’t fashionably late or because of a dodgy mascara, It was because on route the wedding venue – the wedding car’s brakes failed. At one point the driver approached a roundabout and had to go right over the top of it. What we couldn’t understand was – If the car couldn’t slow down, why didn’t this make her arrive early?
Wedding surprise: Horse
Once the wedding was complete, Natalie looked so happy looking into the love of her life’s eyes…no not her husband, her horse. As a surprise, they brought Natalie’s horse down for the day and dare I say they had Pimped Her Horse out a bit as it was looking very clean. So the husband was abandoned and the horse was given lots of love and kisses.
How can you tell if a wedding will be eventful?
There’s one rule I go by. The quicker you see a hipflask at a wedding, the more eventful the wedding will be. I have never seen so many hip flasks in my life. My date is from England and asked me if it was a Scottish thing. I didn’t have the courage to tell her it was because we were too tight to pay Hotel Prices for spirits so I just lied and said it was for good luck. When we got to The Redhurst Hotel in Giffnock, I abandoned my date and performed an hour of mix and mingle magic while Natalie was getting her wedding photographs done. I was branded a great magician but a terrible date – as I had abandoned my girl. I could see their point but she knew the script and seemed happy enough.
Table Choice – it’s all about the view.
I was at the young table with all the single attractive ladies so my normal chat of; tennis, football and boxing wasn’t going to make me the ideal table guest. What I had forgotten was that about 7 years ago I met all the girls at Natalie’s 21st birthday party, so it was good to reminisce.
Warning: I probably shouldn’t write this next paragraph (and I have deleted it several times) but I think it’s funny and so did the bride. So if you’re offended by it…you’re probably easily offended.
I thanked Natalie for sitting me at the best table in the room and she said,
“What makes it the best table in the room”
“I’m loving the view”
What she didn’t realise was my table was in the middle of the the dance-floor and directly above me was all mirrored. So from where I was, I could the tops of all the men’s heads and down a few dresses. Natalie loved this and pointed out a few people I should look at – That’s just the type of gal she is. (just for the record –I didn’t look up nearly as much as all the girls at my table who were ‘boob spotting’)
The Last Dance
I have a confession: I can’t sing and despite taking Salsa lessons for 10 months I hate dancing. However, there seems to be a natural assumption that because I’m confident and a good laugh that I’d love to dance the night away – nothing could be further from the truth. However, my escapology skills haven’t allowed me to get out of dancing at weddings and there comes a time at every wedding where I march onto the dancefloor, step from side to side and try to copy someone in my peripheral vision.
As I was venturing onto the dancefloor near the end of the night I could see someone in more pain than me. It was the groom. During what can only be describe as a spectacular air guitar solo, he managed to dislocate his knee. A chair was brought onto the floor and an icepack was ordered from the bar – he was in agony – I was relieved I wouldn’t have to dance.
Every Cloud has a Silver lining
The groom dislocated his knee and was in agony, the bride and groom missed the end of their wedding, how could anything good come out of this?
Well, it was only a moment, but I’d describe it as a magical moment.
Graham struggled off the dance-floor and Natalie phoned the ambulance / taxi. Why did they do this? Well, Although it was their Wedding Graham went through a lot of pain to get off the dance-floor and left instructions for the families to take the place in the center circle for the last dance. At this point, everyone became invisible and Natalie was only focused on one person – her new husband. They left without saying goodbye, missed there last dance but I could see she couldn’t care about that at all. She wanted to be there for him “For better, for worse in sickness and in health” And they left together very much in love.