Yes it’s true my friend Natalie Wilson just got married to Graham Malarky and magically became Natalie Malarky. I had the pleasure of entertaining at their wedding and what a wedding it was!
Performing magic for Friends
I always hate performing for people I know. When I perform I am Woody the Magician, I’m in charge, I can adjust my performing character to best fit the audience. However, when people know me as ‘Chris who used to daft wee card tricks when he was 14’ – and they see me and say,
“oh, are you still doing this”
I always hope they’ll say the same to my brother, when he was 5 he has a plastic stethoscope and now he’s a Doctor. I think it would be funny,
Guest: “oh, are you still doing this”
Kieran “Yes sir, now please remove your trousers”
When I was 14 I started taking magic far more serious and one of my best friends was Natalie Wilson, she’s a tall blonde hairdresser and one of the best people I know. She always makes me laugh and put’s a smile on my face. We had agreed if by the age of 40 if neither of us were seeing anyone we would get married. However, she broke the deal by getting engaged about 18 months ago and about 3 hours later I was booked to perform at the wedding.
Wedding Car Brakes Fail
The first wedding malarkey was that the bride was 45 minutes late. it wasn’t fashionably late or because of a dodgy mascara, It was because on route the wedding venue – the wedding car’s brakes failed. At one point the driver approached a roundabout and had to go right over the top of it. What we couldn’t understand was – If the car couldn’t slow down, why didn’t this make her arrive early?
Wedding surprise: Horse
Once the wedding was complete, Natalie looked so happy looking into the love of her life’s eyes…no not her husband, her horse. As a surprise, they brought Natalie’s horse down for the day and dare I say they had Pimped Her Horse out a bit as it was looking very clean. So the husband was abandoned and the horse was given lots of love and kisses.
How can you tell if a wedding will be eventful?
There’s one rule I go by. The quicker you see a hipflask at a wedding, the more eventful the wedding will be. I have never seen so many hip flasks in my life. My date is from England and asked me if it was a Scottish thing. I didn’t have the courage to tell her it was because we were too tight to pay Hotel Prices for spirits so I just lied and said it was for good luck. When we got to The Redhurst Hotel in Giffnock, I abandoned my date and performed an hour of mix and mingle magic while Natalie was getting her wedding photographs done. I was branded a great magician but a terrible date – as I had abandoned my girl. I could see their point but she knew the script and seemed happy enough.
Table Choice – it’s all about the view.
I was at the young table with all the single attractive ladies so my normal chat of; tennis, football and boxing wasn’t going to make me the ideal table guest. What I had forgotten was that about 7 years ago I met all the girls at Natalie’s 21st birthday party, so it was good to reminisce.
Warning: I probably shouldn’t write this next paragraph (and I have deleted it several times) but I think it’s funny and so did the bride. So if you’re offended by it…you’re probably easily offended.
I thanked Natalie for sitting me at the best table in the room and she said,
“What makes it the best table in the room”
“I’m loving the view”
What she didn’t realise was my table was in the middle of the the dance-floor and directly above me was all mirrored. So from where I was, I could the tops of all the men’s heads and down a few dresses. Natalie loved this and pointed out a few people I should look at – That’s just the type of gal she is. (just for the record –I didn’t look up nearly as much as all the girls at my table who were ‘boob spotting’)
The Last Dance
I have a confession: I can’t sing and despite taking Salsa lessons for 10 months I hate dancing. However, there seems to be a natural assumption that because I’m confident and a good laugh that I’d love to dance the night away – nothing could be further from the truth. However, my escapology skills haven’t allowed me to get out of dancing at weddings and there comes a time at every wedding where I march onto the dancefloor, step from side to side and try to copy someone in my peripheral vision.
As I was venturing onto the dancefloor near the end of the night I could see someone in more pain than me. It was the groom. During what can only be describe as a spectacular air guitar solo, he managed to dislocate his knee. A chair was brought onto the floor and an icepack was ordered from the bar – he was in agony – I was relieved I wouldn’t have to dance.
Every Cloud has a Silver lining
The groom dislocated his knee and was in agony, the bride and groom missed the end of their wedding, how could anything good come out of this?
Well, it was only a moment, but I’d describe it as a magical moment.
Graham struggled off the dance-floor and Natalie phoned the ambulance / taxi. Why did they do this? Well, Although it was their Wedding Graham went through a lot of pain to get off the dance-floor and left instructions for the families to take the place in the center circle for the last dance. At this point, everyone became invisible and Natalie was only focused on one person – her new husband. They left without saying goodbye, missed there last dance but I could see she couldn’t care about that at all. She wanted to be there for him “For better, for worse in sickness and in health” And they left together very much in love.