Stand Gig Continued – funny story

Do you drink when performing?

No, never…well sometimes.  On rare occasions such as seeing one of my friends for the first time in 14 months I’ll have a Shandy – as long as it’s finished  30 minutes before I walk on stage and sometimes after a gig I carry a shandy to be seen as more approachable.  But I have a confession, I’m addicted to tea.  I actually carry tea bags with me and have been known to take a flask of tea with me to gigs.  At the time of writing this I’m drinking a cup of Pukka’s Nettle tea – it’s basically the bomb, I’d taken 6 of these flavoured tea bags with me but unfortunately the kettle had been stolen.

After my performance, which is on the previous blog, I had a celebratory Shandy as well although I secretly wanted the nettle tea.

Romance or OCD

Afterwards I went with Zhara to the very place we had went on our first date and stood in the location where we had our first drink – awww, I’m still trying to figure out if I’m romantic or suffering from OCD.  However, it was time to go and as Zhara was heading off, I didn’t want to rush to the bathroom so thought I’d just hold it in till I got home

OCD 0 Romance 1

Driving home – the adventure begins

I can safely say I’ve never been drunk driving apart from when I actually passed my test.  I got the dates mixed up and was at a party next thing I knew I was woken up and I was in the car before I knew it heading for my driving test.  However, that’s a story for another day.  This day I’ve consumed 2 units of alcohol over 5 hours – I’m safe to drive.  However as I hardly ever drink these day’s I’m still a little nervous, especially as I passed by the cops.  The  cops were writing down the details of some prostitutes.  I thought it might make a funny facebook update to say they were trying to get there phone numbers.  However, before I could think of the punch line I spotted a fight.  One guy was on top of the other guy slapping him so I thought I’d better call the cops then intervene.  Just then I remembered the cops were just around the corner so I thought it would be more efficient to go back and get them.  The cops had just left the prostitutes; I flashed my lights, told them of the fight and assumed my karma points were sky high.

The cops drove off in the same direction as me but when they go there the 2 gentlemen had vanished (get it – magic, vanished – sigh)

Was the Adventure over or was it just about to begin

So the next thing I know I’m being flashed, I thought they were going to ask me for more details but it turns out they weren’t interested in the assault, they were more interested in my 2 shandies. They didn’t ask about the nettle tea so I decided not to mention it as the time didn’t seem right.

So at this point I’m out the car and they have to order a breathalyser, I asked if I could go to the toilet but they said no.  I said, I would keep the sample but they said no.  When talking to the police the main objective is to look calm.  However, I’m seriously thinking, I’m going to create a puddle down one of my legs and get a fine.   So I’m now getting nervous and decide to tell the cops my joke about them taking down the girls numbers…they didn’t find it funny.

The cop said my eyes looked glazed and could I explain that? He was obviously hinting at drink and drugs but I thought – there’s only certain situations where it’s ok to name drop so I launch into my Kevin Bridges story.  By this point I may have been calling him Kev by next week we’ll be moving in with each other.

So the breathaliser appears and he reads me my rights – (one of the rights you don’t have is the right to go to the toilet.)

He say’s “blow into this tube, it doesn’t have to be a hard blow just a long blow”

My comedy mind takes over with a bunch of things to say but my bladder kicks in, tells my brain to shut up and my lips to blow…and blow they did!

Cop looks at me smiles and say’s, “Positive”

I say confused, “positive”

He say’s, “positive”

At this point I know the machine is broke but the idea of soiling myself in the back of a cop car is not the most appealing.

So it was time for a to employ some Derren Brown Jedi Mind trickery.  So I said in a louder voice, Positive?

He looks back at the thing and say’s, “NO SORRY, I mean negative”

“So I’m free to go then?” I said.

He replied yes and started to say something about how it was only his job and such like, but I said, the words of Forrest Gump, “I have to go pee” and I ran to the toilet.

A twist in the tail?

On arrival I realised I had not only left my car illegally parked but the windows were down.  There were 2 junkies looking in my car and not the Fun junkes from earlier.  At that time, I had my Iphone, camcorder, microphones & magic gear in the car – so we’re talking an easy £2k.  Plus I have £200 in my pocket sitting safely next to my tea bags.

So I run up and tell them it’s my car at which point they inform me I’m not allowed to park there.  This really isn’t my day! So I explain the situation with the cops and when I mention the fight one say’s,

“Yeah, that was us”

Then one of them asks me

If I can give him £2.05 for a can of beer.

And all I can think of is the Kevin Bridges Bus Stop Joke.

And as I reached into my pocket I found £4.20 so I handed it over with a smile when he asks me the question you don’t want to hear

Junkie: “Can I ask another favour?”

Me: “fire away chief”

Junkie: “Will you vote for SNP at the next election?”

Me:  “I’ll try my hardest” (I still don’t know what this means”

He then continued to tell me how Scotland needed to be more of a socialist society but still support the queen whilst promoting our independence.

At the end of it he asked if I could tell if he was homeless, and I said

“I can tell you’re homeless but more importantly I can tell you’re a gentleman”

We shook hands and he said his name was John and I said my name’s Chris and that was the end of the conversation.

In conclusion

The knock on effect of positive action in my life and a willingness to help people. I got to perform at the Stand, meet Kevin Bridges,” because I alerted the police, I got to meet the John the Junkie and because I spoke to him he’s no longer John the Junkie but John the Gent.

Loving life right now – still not loving the police

 

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